Friends with Benefits: Where the 'F' Matters More than the 'B'

Friends with Benefits – on the surface it sounds quite simple and straightforward. In 'When Harry Met Sally' (a cult classic with Billy Crystal I urge all to watch), his character Harry tells Sally, played by Meg Ryan, that men and women cannot be friends as the sexual element always comes into play. He uses slightly more explicit words, but you get my gist. She seems surprised; he is adamant. Needless to say, they become friends, spend time together, get to really know each other, support and are there for each other for over twenty years, and then finally fall in love. So it appears he was right after all.

It's not clear when the FWB acronym came to be – some say in a song by Alanis Morissette in the early 90s – but it certainly became mainstream in the 2011 film by the same title with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. When these two meet, they strike up a loose arrangement that is exclusively sexual in nature. But by starting to spend time together, hang out, and do fun activities in each other's company, they too fall in love. A thoroughly enjoyable movie.

Both films start at opposite sides of the spectrum and then, in true Hollywood fashion (oh, to realise how damaging the perfect Hollywood finale is in our less than perfect lives), both end up with the protagonists falling in love. So sweet.

The Reality vs. The Fantasy

Move your attention to 'FWB' as a desire ticked on dating and hook-up apps, and one would think they hit the jackpot. Imagine having some fun romp in the sheets with a person who is also your friend – someone you're happy to hang out with, someone you're happy to share your troubles and wins with, someone who cares and supports you. Somebody you are, however, not married to or in a relationship with. You are 'friends' whom you leave at the end of the night. What is not to like, I say?

And yet, one of the main complaints I hear is that it doesn't work. Why?

Maybe because the crucial 'F' in FWB is carelessly dropped.

Friendship First, Benefits Second

I, for one, do not echo Harry's sentiment. Keeping it binary for simplification, I truly believe that men and women can be friends without the frisson of sex getting in the way. But if sexual attraction does develop – be it at the start of the friendship, in the middle, or at the end – then it is imperative that the sacred tenet of friendship is maintained and protected. When FWB is used as an excuse for engaging in multiple hook-ups or ONS (one-night stands) with the same person, then it is not FWB, and the meaning of 'friend' is devalued.

As friends, we come to care for people who are important to us. Some of our deepest and most significant relationships are with friends, some lasting longer than the average marriage. Some friends become our de facto family when we don't relate to our own blood relatives. Friends are about sharing moments of fun, happiness, and silliness, listening when life hits us hard, offering a compassionate hug, celebrating with us.

So it is this deep sense of connection that gives the 'Benefit' in FWB real value. As friends, we feel held and understood, secure and safe, so sex becomes playful, fun, erotic, sensual – a moment to enjoy together in the knowledge that real friends will find a way out of any awkwardness, should it occur, and friendship will be fiercely protected.

The Authenticity Problem

What is the point of listing interests and hobbies on dating and hook-up apps if you have no interest in sharing these with the person you hope to entice with your profile? Could it be that the FWB worm dangling off the hook is juicy and will catch more fish than a stark "I just want to hook up and frankly don't care about anything else"?

Because in truth, as much as those purporting to just desire a quickie to scratch a sex itch are often maligned, they are at least being honest about the extent of what they're prepared to give. You get what it says on the tin.

The damage of a FWB situationship that ends up being only about a quickie is higher than one thinks. It erodes trust, hardens us against vulnerability, makes it more difficult to take that first step when you meet a 'potential' mate who waves the FWB card, and makes you lose faith in the hope of lasting relationships if even friendship can so easily and casually be degraded.

The Bottom Line

So drop the pretences and be real. Say what you really want out of a situationship. And for those who truly want the 'Friend' in FWB, look out for how this budding friendship grows – the sexy, fun benefits will follow.