Incels and the Holy Trinity – The Mother

It is not easy being a mother—this is a notion drummed into every person, child and adult alike, from birth. Undoubtedly this is true. Raising a child to be a well-rounded, balanced, content adult, actively part of their community, is a big responsibility that requires care, thought, loads of patience, intuition, buckets full of ingenuity, colourful plasters and warm hugs.

Yet patriarchal societies revered 'The Mother' figure as almost sacred while ensuring women would not aspire beyond being prolific breeders. This created an impossible model of virtuosity and control that said Mother must now impose on everything and everybody around her to keep up the illusion.

Mother love can then be stifling, suffocating, diminishing and self-absorbed, intent on moulding the offspring into the expected 'boy' or 'girl' framework, rather than on exploring the unique, individual nature of the child—discovering their song, their colours, their shape in this world.

When moving towards adolescence, children look to those adults whom they can relate to, almost like trying on clothes in a changing room to see how they fit before buying into the role. 'Girl' growing up will turn at first to Mother and recognise in her a 'femaleness' she might adopt as her own to start with.

How will Mother's attitude towards Men, be it the Father or other Men, be internalised by 'girl'? This, in itself, is part of a larger problem with female attitude towards males.

But what does 'boy' do? How does 'boy' find his individual and gender expression when so intimately attached to Mother? How does Mother relate to her child when she knows Men only through her own experiences with them? Her understanding is also filtered by what Men show her—wittingly or unwittingly—like light bouncing off a shiny surface where the actual texture and colour cannot be seen.

And so 'boy' can find himself stuck in no-man's land (pun intended).

This is where Mother's opportunity and responsibility becomes crucial. She must ensure a boy is surrounded by mature male role models as soon and as often as possible, in addition to the 'Father' figure. From choosing a nursery with a healthy mix of female and male teachers (14% males based on statistics shared by the UK Government in 2024) to evaluating the culture underlying coaching practices at the sport club, from discussing books and media that promote positive masculinity with her child, to being curious about what messages they are being bombarded with and openly exploring and discussing them together.

Equally important, Mother can adopt inclusive language that moves away from making personality characteristics gender-specific. This practice is so damaging and yet so entrenched we don't even realise we're doing it. She should expect this same awareness from her network as well.

A man who is caring, nurturing and empathic is not in touch with his 'feminine' side; he is just expressing his unique personality, period.

A boy does not 'cry like a girl'; he is just expressing emotions and feelings in a healthy way that call for compassion, not judgement. Mother might want to look at her own relationship with Men with understanding and openness.

So how does this link with Incel and red or black pill ideology? Under their misogynist, beta/alpha, supremacist persona lies a boy, a man with a deep sense of unease. He feels he doesn't fit in this society, that he's not worthy, that he doesn't meet expectations.

In some twisted way, his validation as a man comes from female acceptance and often, at the top of the list, is Mother—the first female presence in a boy's life.

A relationship with Mother who recognises and champions her boy's expression of his 'maleness' does not guarantee a young man will be immune from the insidious messages coming from well-known red/black pill influencers, yet it will support his ability to view these messages in a critical, mature way and make appropriate life choices while also being reassured that their sense of worth comes from within.