Is Intercourse Necessary for Good Sex? Here's What the Research (and Real Life) Suggests

I was asked a question this week, while busy trying to align the shadow of a solar eclipse with a colander and a sheet of paper. Quite a feat, if I do say so myself, and I thought I was bright :-(.

Does a sexual encounter have to end in intercourse to count as "good sex"?

The question is loaded — more than it seems at first glance.

The man asking it was as bewildered as I was at finding the correct angle for the colander, and when we finally did it, tens and tens of suns appeared on the white paper, each with the black crescent of the moon running through it.

Much like the question itself, the answer turned out to be anything but black and white.

Looked at purely from a biological angle, intercourse — meaning, in this context, the insertion of the penis into the vagina — is really only needed for procreation. So, unless someone is trying to conceive, intercourse is, strictly speaking, superfluous.

Only… it isn't. Cultures across centuries and continents have centred the essence of "true masculinity" — whatever that means — around the penis, and in doing so have tied both the owners of that appendage and their partners into a double bind.

Popular culture, even now, when we might expect a little more sophistication, still equates the ability to achieve an erection — and neatly sustain it for penetration — with “male success” in the bedroom. This affects the partner too, who often internalises a failure to "dock and launch" as a verdict on their own desirability.

The consequences of this distorted view of sex are important. If sexual success is only achieved through penetration, then any time not spent pursuing it is…wasted. But if penetration is only really needed for procreation, then sex should logically be confined to the days a woman is fertile, and a decision has been made to conceive.

Is that true? I doubt it. Last I checked, humans have sex because it's fun, because it feels good, because it's a path to intimacy and bonding, and yes, sometimes to produce a mini-me to send out into the world — but certainly not only to reproduce.

It follows, then, that if reproduction isn't the only reason we have sex, the idea that intercourse is mandatory is a lie. Enough to send your mind into a spin and fold your penis into a pretzel. Yikes!

What I want to focus on instead is the impact of the shared belief — held by penis owners and vagina owners alike — that intercourse is essential for "good sex". Holding on to that belief as gospel will only make the encounter less enjoyable and more fraught with anxiety.

My posts, and my professional focus, are usually directed at the male of the species, but this time I want to shine the light first on the recipients of the penis owner's ardour and delight. Why?

Because men are keen observers of their partner's reactions, and vice versa. How one person behaves has a direct influence on the other's behaviour, creating a feedback loop that affects the emotional, physiological and physical response of everyone involved.

In my next post, I'll look at how intercourse is often perceived by the receiving partner — and the truth is, it isn't required for a good time or for real intimacy. By the same token, if penis owners stopped fixating on achieving and maintaining an erection in order to reach intercourse, they might actually start enjoying sex, rather than enduring it.

Sources

• Herbenick, D., Fu, T.-C., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018). Women's Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(2), 201–212.

• Ševčíková, A., Gottfried, J., Gocieková, V., Gore-Gorszewska, G., Blinka, L., & Kotík, J. (2023). The Role of Non-penetrative Partnered Sex Activities in the Associations Among Erectile Difficulties, Sex and Relationship Satisfaction in Men Aged 50+. International Journal of Sexual Health. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2023.2169850

• Mahar, E. A., Mintz, L. B., & Akers, B. M. (2020). Orgasm Equality: Scientific Findings and Societal Implications. Current Sexual Health Reports, 12, 24–32.