Sexual Performance: How to Stop Performing and Start Enjoying Sex

It's interesting how the meaning of words can be subtly shifted to mean something quite different from their original intention — and this is especially true when we attach a moral judgement to the meaning itself. Words are not negative or positive; they are simply used to describe something, yet we have an uncanny ability to twist their definition to suit our needs or, better still, feed our fears and insecurities.

Take "performance" — and specifically "sexual performance". It is difficult not to think of sexual performance in a man as anything other than his ability to get erect, stay hard, and thrust away until his partner climaxes over and over by the sheer force of his… will, oh please the sooner you drop this belief the better for all of us.

Not that it's any different for a vulva owner, though the script is diverse. Sexual performance in human females is either non-existent, or it must be expressed through precisely timed moaning, studied silence, and uncontrolled writhing in male-induced ecstasy — depending on which culture they belong to. Either way, those classed as female at birth, based on the existence or absence of specific appendages, are taught to cater to male performance by reacting according to the cultural "trend" of the times, which in turn reinforces what is considered appropriate male sexual response.

This load of nonsense is enough to make anybody's head spin, and when I encounter these confusing and often contradictory situations, I like to go back to the origins.

What is "performance", then? According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the primary definition is "how well a person, machine, etc. does a piece of work or an activity." This is interesting because it introduces the concept of how well an activity is done as a measure of performance. Which raises the question: who has the responsibility to define that measure, and against what criteria? Is there such a thing as a universal measure of performance that rules them all?

Take the financial markets which, in this geopolitically induced period of instability, are jumping all over the place. Are the markets performing? Well, yes — if the sole measure of performance is the stellar valuation on the day some suspiciously well-timed "good news" reaches the traders just to collapse the following day. Rather more debatable, if the measure is how that valuation reflects sustainable economic growth. If you sit at the top of a financial empire, market volatility is precisely what works for you. If you are an individual planning to grow an investment in order to buy a home for your family to live and thrive in, then this careless financial yo-yoing is nobody's idea of good performance.

Take different car makes. If the speed of a petrol-fuelled car is superior to that of an electric one, does that make the petrol guzzler the higher performer? Well, yes — if driving fast on the highway for the sheer joy of it is what turns you on. Rather more debatable if you dream of slowly meandering through country lanes with the windows rolled down and wanting to smell the fresh air rather than petrol fumes.

There are countless examples of where "performance" is not a universal decree. Performance must be taken in context — or better still, in your personal context. And when it comes to sexual performance, the only context that matters is you and your partner, and what it means to you — not the culture you inhabit, the stories you've been told, the beliefs you hold, the porn you watch.

Performance in this sense is how you feel during sex with your partner. It is about your pleasure, about discovering together what makes you tick and what contributes to your partner's enjoyment as well. It is an experience that is co-created, and the only meaningful measure is how genuinely invested you both are in your own and each other's pleasure. Without a market high to chase or a speed to achieve, when the goal is simply fun and connection, the fear of not meeting some imagined standard quietly melts away.

No more lying awake wondering whether your dick will stay hard and let you down.

No more timing the ecstasy noises just right so he feels suitably validated.

The Cambridge Dictionary offers a second definition of performance: "the action of entertaining other people by dancing, singing, acting…" This, I'd argue, is precisely where "sexual performance" currently lives for many people. An act. A façade. Something performed for others — to entertain, to avoid disappointment, to fit in, to show off. Ultimately, a fake.

So how do you step off the stage, put down the Oscar for Best Interpretation of a Porn Star, and start working on your own unique, unscripted version of a genuinely good time?

Five things a man can do to improve his sexual performance — for himself, not for the audience

1. Fire the director. That inner voice narrating your performance mid-shag ("Am I doing this right? Is she convinced? Should I look more like I did in that video?") is not your friend —he does not know care about you. When you hear his voice just let him know you are busy and redirect your attention to what you can actually feel. Sensation not film script.

2. Get curious, not competitive. Instead of trying to hit some imaginary performance target, treat your partner's body like an interesting country you've never visited. Ask questions. Take detours. Linger somewhere unexpected. Why stop at the usual pit stops when there is a whole body to explore.

3. Slow the bloody hell down. Speed is the enemy of pleasure — yours included. The whole "thrust until she climaxes by the force of your will" approach is tiring, distracting, and actually does not work. You are not responsible for her pleasure. Slowing down not only makes things more enjoyable for everyone involved, it allows you to focus on how you feel during the process.

4. Stop outsourcing your education to porn. Porn is to sex what the Marvel franchise is to everyday life. It is lots of special effects, absurd story lines, and a very poor basis for real-world decision-making. If you want to understand what actually works, talk to your partner, assimilate what has been written by people who actually study human sexuality, find a sex coach 😊or simply pay attention to feedback that isn't scripted.

5. Measure success differently. Did you both enjoy yourselves? Did you laugh at least once? Did you feel connected, even for a moment? Then congratulations — that was a genuinely good performance. Being present is all the counts. That's the only measure worth a damn.