She can’t stop talking, he does not say anything, the fascinating truth of meta language in our relationships

When it comes to communication in a relationship there is a tendency to assume -read impose!-  the female lens, based on talking things through, dissecting, analysing, time travelling, until the cows come home. This is absolutely a generalisation, as communication styles are not gendered but individual- gender itself being a very loose concept- however, there are traits, driven by a combination of nature and nurture (largely family, culture, environment), that tend to be expressed more often by men and others, instead, by women.

Whatever the case, if you are in a relationship and find yourself sometimes wondering what is going on in your partner’s head, the genitalia they came equipped with is irrelevant, but the frustration is the same.

Here are some of the main areas of contention:

She has a problem and she wants to talk about it, he gets into action and has a solution

She is upset and emotionally drained, he reaches out and initiates sex

She wants to discuss issues with the relationship, he shuts down and withdraws

Women tend to use words not only to communicate about the practicalities of life. Words for women are a conduit for expressing emotion, feelings and they use words to bond with others, create and nurture communities.

When a woman reaches out to her partner to talk about a problem, more often than not it is not a solution she is after but validation, support, a sympathetic ear. As the saying goes a problem shared is a problem halved….only that it is not solved and this is what amuses their male counterpart. Her partner aims to help and provide support by actually solving the issue that is upsetting her only to be rebuffed, which is confusing.

Why talk about a problem if not to resolve it, what is the point?! Well the point is that it is not the problem itself that needs focus but how it is affecting her and until this is clear in her head then solving it will not make a difference.

Logical? To a man’s eye probably not.

That said why leap into action until the full emotional impact of the issue is known?

Logical? To a woman’s eye probably not.

The common denominator however is that she reached out and he tries to help to bring her peace, balance and comfort which is what she is after. This is the good news. The other news is that women might want to get off the high horse of word based communication and start to really listen. Easy? Hell no! I love words, however, I also discovered at a high price that words alone cannot be trusted.

At the same time I also love to problem-solve so all the emotional fluff surrounding an issue feels like a waste of time. As I said, the man-woman communication style divide is one big generalisation.

Men, do you want to avoid the rebuff? When she says she has a problem she needs to talk about ask her if the support she wants is a sympathetic ear or actual help with a practical solution. If the former, then LISTEN and DO NOT jump in with a ten step plan. 

As for her, she should take a step back when he proposes a solution and consider where this is coming from, that is a place of love and support and not one that dismisses your feelings and emotions even it feels like it. It is hard for both partners which is why they should both focus on the meta communication, reading in between the lines, seeing what is not being communicated explicitly. And if either of them is triggered, ask for time off to regroup.

For years now it has become a normal practice to refer to the female verbal communication style in a relationship as the optimal one for forging and maintaining connections, forgetting that verbal communication is only one style and that there are others that do not rely on words but on sensations, touch, visualisation, feelings. These are the spaces that often men inhabit.

There is a risk that comes from relying on words alone and it’s that we think we can believe the meaning of those words. The complication that arises from this belief is that words often have multiple meanings and nuances, and words are just puffs of air with sounds attached to them if not corroborated by action.

And lastly?  People simply lie. Those who love us lie to protect our feelings, those who do not love us lie to protect their own and everything in the middle is a party of ambiguity.

So, where does this leave our loving partners?

When she reaches out, upset by an event or something going on in her life and her partner reaches for her physically — hinting at sex- she feels objectified and not taken seriously, he, however, is trying to connect emotionally with her emotional state through the medium of touch.

Suggestions for him? He should park sex for a moment and focus on giving her space to manoeuvre reaching out in a non sexual way and plainly saying that he wishes to hug her or hold her hand to support her and would she be up for it. In the heat of emotional pain, being touched can sometimes feel suffocating. If she pulls back, do not take it personally. It is not about him — it is about finding room to breathe through the hurt.

For her? She should recognise his touch as an attempt to soothe and connect. She should tell him explicitly what she needs in that moment to feel connected and loved. "I need you to just hold me" is a complete sentence is.

And what about no communication at all?

For a man in a conversation with his partner who wants to discuss what is not working in a relationship, be it an incident at that moment in time or something a long way coming, things can get tough.

How can the person who is meant to bring the solution to his partner’s problem be the problem itself? This is devastating for the man in her life who aspires to be effective and reliable.

But it often can seem the case when grievances are raised by women and appear to point to the man as the guilty party. He has no option but to withdraw be it in a silent introspective way or by leaving the room physically when it feels unsafe.

This frustrates women immensely as they feel stonewalled, men however feel criticised in their essence which is a dangerous and threatening place to be.

For the women out there: start the conversation by appealing to the problem solving skills of your partner and putting the problem out there as something that is related but independent to the couple.

And in order to do this women must take responsibility for their part in the problem they wish to fix.

Putting the blame on men will not solve anything and will only increase the withdrawal.

As the saying goes it take two to tango.

By externalising the problem, it becomes something both can fix together. For the men who retreat, explain you need some time to reflect on what is being said in order to formulate a response that will address or aim to ease the problem. “ I need some time off, give me 30 minutes to think about this because it is important to me, to you, to us”.

Back to generalisation, men and women will react differently to different triggers and stimuli. The above are just examples.

What I want to focus on is the importance of the meta communication being expressed by either partner. Only because partners do not communicate in the same way it does not mean there is lack of care or respect.

When on vacation in a foreign country we have a choice. Stick to our language and complain when the locals do not understand us or try learn a few words of theirs and discover the richness that comes with it.

In short do you want to be loved or do you want to be right? Trickier questions that it seems

If you want to read more go to https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/ and learn about the 4 characteristics that affect relationships and predict their success or failure.