Why Men Use Sex to Connect Emotionally — And How to Talk to Your Partner About It

It is generally assumed that men DO and women FEEL — the rational, outward, action-led approach to life versus the emotional, inward, introspective one. This assumption has, and alas still does, dominate century-old and endless conversations around the differences between men and women. It is also used in a variety of ways, entering politics, social and cultural debates, being twisted, picked apart, used as a weapon and an excuse by all sides of the male/female divide.

Of all the millions of examples of how this supposed dichotomy is exploited, I will focus on one today. Men use sex to enter emotional closeness, and women need emotional closeness to have sex. For those wanting to feel vindicated by a definitive response — sorry, you ain't getting one. Because the answer is both are true and neither is.

And this is because there are no absolutes. The war of the sexes sells books, produces romcoms, and creates likes on social media, when the reality is that keeping this split suits those who have a vested interest in maintaining the tension rather than finding the Venn diagram overlaps.

The reality is far simpler than what we believe — yet taking the time, courage and strength to come out of the trenches and to the debate table is not easy.

As humans, we have a tendency to take a trait shared by a group of people with the same set of genitalia and call dibs on it being an absolute. Then, rather than understanding its origin, its context, and the circumstances that might drive a different response, we slap a label on it and call it a gender norm. We create a solution to a problem that never existed and pat ourselves on the back.

To set things straight: humans are emotional machines who think, not the other way around. This is proven by several linked bodies of research into how our brain and body respond to specific stimuli, and the work done by neuroscientist Damasio in the 1990s is still today considered a breakthrough in this field.

Bad news for that generation of managers stuck in the last century who call employees "emotional" when responding to challenging situations. Management might feel rather chuffed at having applied good ol' reason and logic to close a difficult conversation — forgetting that the feeling of smugness is, in itself, an emotion that lives in the 'anger' family. And pushing back when confronted with genuine distress, rather than opening up to find a solution together, is a 'fear' response. Yep — another core emotion 😉.

So, with the premise that all humans feel emotions, and that emotions — not logic — drive our responses, how do we address the sex-as-a-portal-to-emotional-expression question?

By understanding the context, and being open to talk calmly and with curiosity, not contempt.

We all need to feel emotionally connected. We all have a need for warmth, for closeness. This is not a "woman thing", or a "Gen-Z-or-add-any-letter" thing. It is at the basis of being human. And while we might express this need in different ways, it remains a basic, core human need.

Boys and men have been conditioned for centuries to express themselves through their actions, through Doing — and conversely, they have been reproached for expressing their feelings, for Being, for turning inwards. This is because, for reasons perversely linked to what is itself a fear-based emotional response, feelings are considered a weakness and therefore cannot be associated with masculinity, which must be about strength, self-sufficiency and stoicism in the face of emotional and mental pain. This has raised generation upon generation of men who were never taught how to manage and express emotions, and who are totally unaware of the nuances of the full human emotional vocabulary.

Yes — there are many more emotions than "I am angry," "I'm good," and "I am horny." ( Google 'wheel of emotions')

So, while sex-first as a way into emotional connectedness is not a male-only prerogative, there are cultural reasons why it tends to be a preference for men — more or less consciously. Emotional connectedness requires a show of vulnerability. The sexual act is about doing — through the physical expression of desire — and is often the only socially permitted form of vulnerability for men. Sex also releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, dopamine, the pleasure hormone, and vasopressin which is associated with slow-burn attachment.

In short, if men feel more fuzzy and loving after sex, blame the hormones 😊. Sex is also a way to feel reassured that men are still wanted and desired — something that can be remarkably difficult to ask for with words.

Now, as women who love men, the above might feel like a bit of an easy cop-out — because women have been conditioned differently, using emotions as their way in, often in the form of words. Lots and lots of words.

Even this is a generalisation. I use "men" and "women" loosely here, because we were handed a how-to manual on social expectation at birth solely because of the genitals we came with — not because of who we actually are.

So what now, when there is palpable frustration? On one side the feeling of being rejected and not knowing why. On the other the feeling of being used and not being valued. Oh, to be human and to have feelings.

For men: how to say what sex actually means — and find common ground when it's all got a bit stuck

You don't need a speech. You need a quiet moment and a willingness to be honest. Not during a row — but when things are calm and there's space to actually listen to each other.

An example?

"When I want to be close to you physically, it's often my way of saying I miss you

"Sometimes I genuinely don't know what I'm feeling until I want to be close to you."

"Wanting to be close is my way of checking we're okay"

This starts the ball rolling.

The goal is not to win. It is love, patience — lots of it — and calm exploration of how emotional intimacy without sex, and sex before emotional closeness, make each of you feel. Ask what makes her feel connected. Try — both of you — to say what it means to you. The need underneath is almost always the same one. You just tend to arrive at it from opposite ends of the same road.

Sources: Psychology Today / Niobe Way, NYU research on male relational needs (2022), Frontiers in Psychology (2021); MindBrainBodyLab (2026), "Male Perceptions of Intimacy: A Qualitative Study" (Patrick, UMass); Bucknell University / Frontiers in Psychology (Wade et al.)