You Hold the Power: How to Recognise a Domineering Personality and Walk Away

Making my way across the Millennium Bridge in London a couple of weeks ago, I came across the Big Issue seller I see on occasion. I stopped to buy the latest issue and got stuck reading an article about Richard Gadd, whom you probably know as the actor and writer of Baby Reindeer.

I had not watched the series, though I had heard the furore surrounding it, so I did not know what to expect.

Gadd is now promoting a new project entitled Half Man, a story that follows the lives of two young boys into adulthood, the differing paths they take, and how these intertwine. The journalist, Steven Mackenzie, interviews Gadd and asks how he prepared and developed the story.

My interest was piqued when Gadd refers to Ruben's character: "Ruben is a sexist, misogynistic example of toxic masculinity." The journalist then asks: "Ruben's desire to be dominant depends on having somebody he can subjugate. More broadly, are we all then only part-people, reliant on relationships with others to make us whole?"

These words stopped me in my tracks and have been circling in my head ever since.

I was slightly irked by the misuse of the term "dominant" in place of the more appropriate "domineering" — a common mistake that so many people make, but one that has serious consequences.

A dominant personality is one who leads through assertiveness and skill, by inspiring those who follow them and encouraging input and collaboration. These personalities do not shout, throw tantrums, or act like petulant children to get their way. They do not need to. They are leaders we gladly listen to and follow out of respect and admiration. Such personalities are confident, resilient, and self-reliant, and they serve the cause rather than themselves. Because of this, they are, unfortunately, few and far between.

A domineering personality, on the other hand, is bossy, overbearing, and dictatorial — expecting compliance through force, belittlement, and abuse, whether physical, psychological, or through skilled manipulation.

Both terms share the same root, yet the suffix "-eering" means to "act like a master." Acting like one implies pretending, faking — not possessing the qualities, not understanding what real leadership truly means.

From the so-called "doms/dommes" one finds on kink apps (the legitimate ones a handful among the pile) to a great many world leaders today (too many to list 😞) and the plentiful inhabitants of the manosphere, these personalities seem to lead the pack when it comes to toxic behaviour.

It was not, however, the misuse of the term that caught my attention, but rather the notion that "the desire to be dominant depends on having somebody to subjugate."

This simple phrase shines a light on the true nature of the so-called power within the domineering dynamic. These personalities are, in effect, powerless without those who allow themselves to be subjugated.

On their own they are immature, needy, and dependent on others to feel good about themselves — plastering over a confidence gap. The arrogance, the BIG WORDS, the racism and sexism are nothing more than expressions of fear: the fear of an immature child left alone in the dark to fight imaginary monsters.

Who would these people be if you simply ignored them? If you were not drawn in by the big characters, the bravado, the impression that they have their life sussed out whilst you still seem to be chasing the dream ?

If you are attracted to these personalities, look very closely at how they operate, what they ask of you, and how this will ultimately benefit you.

If you are drawn to these characters, whether romantically or as someone to aspire to, ask yourself: what insecurity is being manipulated, what wound is being exploited, what yearning is being capitalised on? If you are living with a sense of underlying anxiety, a feeling of walking on eggshells, afraid to question what you are being sold as the truth lest you lose their approval — think again. Nobody but you can fix those wounds, those insecurities, those yearnings. Only you can.

Someone who has your best interests at heart will support you every step of the way and cheer at your success. These other characters will vilify you in front of others for failing to measure up to their own standards.

Someone who is secure and confident will accept differing views and remain open to collaboration, because their goal is not to be right but to do right. Domineering personalities act out of fear, and so will not entertain anything — however small — that might shake their belief that they are on the righteous path.

A true leader manages their emotions rather than being led by them. They approach confrontation and disagreement calmly and with curiosity. Bullies, by contrast, wield anger, physical and verbal violence, and raise their voice under the pretence of being assertive.

When one is led by fear, the -isms come pouring out — racism, sexism, ableism; you name it, there is an -ism for it. This is because fear drives a person to shine a light on others' faults and supposed shortcomings, rather than face their own human frailties. That is, in itself, terrifying — and I think anyone can attest to that — but it is also where true bravery lies.

You hold the power. These characters need you, as a child needs a dummy — not the other way around. Without you to feed off, these vampire-like characters wither and turn to dust in the sun. So let them and use the effort and energy spent listening to their ranting to work on yourself.

Source: The BIG Issue, Issue 1715/27 April-03 May 2026