Early Ejaculation - You Don't Have a Problem — You Have a Pattern (And Patterns Can Change)

First and foremost, sex is not a marathon, nor a sprint. There's no ribbon to cross, no victory lap holding aloft a flag emblazoned with a penis. There's no gold medal for who comes first, last, or not at all.

If this is your idea of sex, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Beliefs like this permeate men's lives in all sorts of ways, and the consequences are significant.

In the case of Early Ejaculation (EE), it's the pressure to perform, and to meet expectations you've been marinating in since a young age — often without realising it — that can trigger an ejaculation arriving earlier than hoped for.

This can become distressing, impacting your inner experience, your perception of your partner's experience, and your partner's actual experience — who can sense the discomfort and wonder if it's about them not being desirable. This intricate criss-crossing of anxious beliefs ends up tangling everyone involved like a box of Christmas lights dragged out of the loft: half an hour later, the lights still aren't on the tree, and the knots are tighter than when you started.

A useful first step, if this is a personal concern, is talking to your GP or a urologist. EE can be lifelong — meaning you're born with it, and it's therefore neurobiological — or acquired through lifestyle or psychological factors. A medical professional can distinguish between the two, identify any underlying causes (like a hormonal issue or prostatitis), and recommend the approaches most likely to help.

Often, psychological drivers simmer beneath the lifestyle and biological causes of EE. Even so, I want to start with practical tips first, because EE can chip away at confidence, and that dent in confidence can itself create an anxious loop that erodes things further still.

Deciding to do something about it practically, and taking ownership of your sexual pleasure, is the first step towards dismantling a belief system that doesn't serve you.

Truly get to know yourself and your relationship with your penis. You've had it forever — you were almost certainly playing with it while still in your mother's uterus (alas, there are plenty of amusing ultrasounds of foetuses happily choking the chicken while in mummy's tummy) — or you acquired one later in life.

Either way, it's been a central part of your life for years, and yet you probably know surprisingly little about it.

So get to know how your body reacts to sexually related stimuli, what thoughts cross your mind, the sensations, feelings and how the Captain responds.

Once you have that clarity, you can start driving the change you want.

Behavioural techniques

• Stop-start method: pause stimulation just before climax, let arousal subside, then resume. The first few times, you'll probably miss the window — but you'll gradually learn to feel yourself nearing the point of no return, get the hang of it, and purposefully slow down. To help with this, try the squeeze technique: gentle pressure applied to the base of the penis (or just below the glans) when close to ejaculation. My recommendation is to practise these techniques solo first, until you feel more confident in your own body.

• Pelvic floor (Kegel) exercises: strengthening these muscles can improve ejaculatory control. Your local NHS website has sections on pelvic floor exercises for men, and you can also refer to the Mayo Clinic for guidance ( see link below)

• Masturbating an hour or two before partnered sex ("edging" beforehand) to reduce both sensitivity and anxiety.

  
  

Reducing sensitivity

• Thicker condoms, designed to reduce sensation.

• Topical anaesthetic creams/sprays (e.g. lidocaine-based, EMLA), used as directed and washed off or covered before intercourse to avoid numbing your partner. These are available at most UK pharmacies, such as Boots or Superdrug, typically via a short online consultation form or consultation with a pharmacist.

  
  

Lifestyle

• Regular exercise and healthy weight management.

• Moderating alcohol intake.

• Stress management practices (mindfulness, adequate sleep).

  
  

Alongside all this, you can start addressing what might be underlying psychological or emotional concerns. There are a few different avenues worth considering — sex therapy, counselling, or coaching, either individually or as a couple — especially useful where anxiety or relationship strain plays a part.

Depending on whether you'd prefer an in-depth exploration of the root causes behind the beliefs affecting your ejaculatory response, or simply want to move forward and address the issue at hand, these sessions will often focus on understanding and re framing those beliefs — shifting the view of sex from goal-oriented to pleasure-oriented.

This, in itself, takes the pressure off both the penis owner and their partner — the penis is no longer centre stage, and the whole performance can finally stop being a performance at all and just be fun.

Suggested Sources for Further Reading

1. Mayo Clinic — Kegel Exercises for Men: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/mens-health/in-depth/kegel-exercises-for-men/art-20045074

2. NHS — pelvic floor exercises for men (search "pelvic floor exercises men" on nhs.uk for the current patient guidance page)

3. Urology Care Foundation — Premature Ejaculation: Causes & Treatment: https://www.urologyhealth.org/urology-a-z/p/premature-ejaculation

4. Patient.info — Premature Ejaculation: Causes and Treatment: https://patient.info/mens-health/penis-problems/premature-ejaculation