Male desire... should he even have it?

Male desire… is there such a notion in this day and age when men have so often taken what they wanted on the basis they are entitled to it by birthright, by DNA, by social norms, by divine decree?

Well, it so happens that this is not desire. This is entitlement, and there is a fundamental difference.

Male desire is rarely spoken of, as if it were something to be ashamed of and to be shamed for—because it gets confused with the patriarchal right to take without asking.

The word 'desire' derives from the Latin desiderare: to hope for, to wish for, to long for. The Latin term itself appears to be a derivation of de sidere—'from the stars.'

To be entitled, on the other hand, assumes one is bestowed with a right to be given what one wants. There is no longing, no hope—there is only taking with little consideration for those affected.

How many times have we looked up at the stars, asking, pleading, praying to be understood, to be seen, to be held in someone's regard and love? Because in the end this is what it is all about.

It follows that desire is not an imperious demand to be pleasured and served by a partner who will comply out of obligation or fear. Desire is not meant to manipulate others or ignore their feelings.

To be told 'yes'—a 'yes' as soft as a whisper or the 'YESSSSS' that shakes the windows—is less about being granted a wish and more about feeling allowed to show oneself for who one truly is, scars and all.

It's about expressing oneself through needs and wants—the real ones, the ones unique to each and every man—not the prepackaged ones society insinuates, the ones we all choose to believe because it is easier than taking the time to truly listen.

As a partner, you can support your male lover by taking time to evaluate and explore his desire: curiously, openly. Then answer truthfully how you feel, because your own wants and desires are just as valid and precious.

And this brings us full circle.

A desire is a hope for a need to be met. The answer might be 'yes', or it might be 'no'.

They say 'no' is a complete sentence, and while this is true, it is also the start of an opportunity. 'No' expressed with love does not slam the door, does not insult, does not belittle.

'No' opens the door to a new possible—maybe not what we first had in mind, but certainly one shared. Something that comes alive between all of you, potentially even sweeter than the original wish.